|Before we get started on Powerbands, pay heed to the following safety facts;|
|Powerbands can often, double, triple or even quadruple or..more, the power output of a 2 stroke engine. Extreme care is required when riding a bike after installing a new Powerband. Care must be taken for AT least the first 100 miles, which is about the same as the distance from here to Chadwick on a horse. And more if you're from abroad, obviously. Use the throttle wisely, always do this. Failure to do that can result in a flipping of the bike, and/or wheelspinning. Especially on new, unscrubbed tyres, or tyres covered in butter.|
|Never touch a hot Powerband. The specialised casings on Powerbands do help to reduce the extremely high temperatures, but still can badly burn unprotected skin.|
|Never touch a cold Powerband. The regular casings on Powerbands do help to reduce the potentially very cold temperatures when not in use, but still can badly burn skin with no form of protection.|
|Always make sure the Powerband is fitted properly. A Powerband mistakenly fitted in reverse can in large situations cause an engine to fold in upon itself. As if taking a bow.|
|Check the integrity of the main Powerband ring. Any sign of cracking means the Powerband could, at any point, without any warning, spectacularly disintegrate and will often result in losing a knee. Or even wrist.|
Powerband Colour Coding
|Here is a brief breakdown of the colours of Powerbands. Fortunately, most, if not all, Powerband manufacturers follow the same colour-coding guidelines, making it easy to distinguish the different Powerbands and their different characteristics.|
|RED ||Red Powerbands are generally considered to be the Daddy. Maximum power. Full forward thrust. Warp speed. Expect respect, for Red is the William Shatner of the Powerband world.|
|BLUE ||Blue Powerbands are a compromise between power and reliability. Not quite as powerful as Reds, but more stable and longer lasting, with only minimal long term damage to the host engine. Favoured by ex-military motorcyclists around the world.|
|YELLOW ||Yellow Powerbands have been succeeded by the newer Red and Blues. Yellow Powerband technology is fairly primitive, and should only be used with classic bikes from 1902 and up, and, the Honda Four-Hundred Four (the only production bike that featured factory-fitted brackets to bolt on a Powerband. Sort of like a dog being neutered, but in reverse.)|
|GREEN ||Working in a similar way to a stolen catalytic converter, the Green Powerband does deliver power, though not as much as Red or Blue. Greens work best the more carbon dioxide, the smell of grim oppression and corruption on an industrial scale, and hydrotetrocholride in the air. Fitting a green Powerband in a relatively unpolluted area will generally only deliver a small percentage of its total output, but will adequately provide inquisitive neighbours with a talking point. Green Powerbands used in China for example, will output over 124.9% of their potential power. Because of the smog.|
|PURPLE ||Purple Powerbands are a relatively new phenonmenom. They employ the latest cutting edge powerband technology. For instance, Ballistical Ultra Leverage Latency (which facilitates levering the latency in the ballistical environment, or in layman's terms can be more simply described as "You can't afford it."). Purple powerbands use the latest in material engineering developments, such as Compound X for the construction of the Main Ring, which is so secret a material, that no-one, including those who mine it in special quarries, actually knows where it comes from. |
|PINK ||Pink Powerbands are exclusively for the gays. Having a Pink Powerband fitted and not being gay could leave you wide open to a very civil but somewhat overdramatic prosecution brought by the Gay Standards Committee. Fines can range from a sensual whipping, to being forced to grow a bushy moustache and wear a leather cap. Power delivery with Pink Powerbands is usually smooth, but mincey.|
The Honda 400 4 Factory fitted Powerband bracket
Example of a modern day Powerband supplemental Main Ring set with Type 'R' Racing indentures
Simple schematic of a Powerband
Engine Sizes and Expected Performance Gains
|(data sourced from MCN's "Powerbands - A Must Have? or Child Killing Mechanical Murderering Tool Of Satan?" article - Dec 2009.)|
|50cc ||Red ||270.9% ||Blue ||195% ||Yellow ||42% ||Green ||93.7%|
|125cc ||Red ||270% ||Blue ||195% ||Yellow ||42% ||Green ||93.7%|
|250cc ||Red ||270% ||Blue ||195% ||Yellow ||42% ||Green ||92.9%|
*Engine sizes above 250cc vary too much to qualify here, due to the various positioning of exhaust ports and headlamp alignments, and the fact that my calculator only goes up to 8. Note: Do not attempt to fit a Powerband to a machine greater than 1 litre capacity, as this may result in tearing the arse out of the spacetime continuum, and will make you an enemy of Earth.
Powerband Prices and Availabilty
All flavours of Powerband can be anywhere from £2.90 off ebay, up to £200,000.00, depending on cost.|
Powerbands can be purchased at most local motorcycle dealers, in particular those that bear the 'We Sell Powerbands We Do' kitemark.
Frequently Asked Questions
|Q. Do Powerbands really make me or my bike cooler?|
|A. Of course. It's like spraying yourself and your bike in Lynx. It says 'Look. I'm hung like a fucking horse'.|
|Q. Are Powerbands legal?|
|A. Hmm. Yes, and no. Perhaps i can answer it with another question; "Eh..?"|
|Q. Will it affect my insurance?|
|A. Some insurance companies have a special 'powerband clause'. They will insure you, but if found to be relevant to any claim, they will deny all cover as well as bill you for wasting their time. If found irrelevent to the claim, they will also deny cover but won't bill you. Let's be honest, whatever you do, the buggers will try and get out of paying, so you may as well lie, or just don't tell them and save some money on your premiums. Just don't hit anything and you'll be fine. Probably.|
|Q. Are Powerbands available for cars?|
|A. Yes, there are Powerbands for cars, even an Adjustable Powerband.|
|Q. My Powerband is purple. Is that good or bad?|
|A. It's broken. Or very new. Does it work? Then it's new. Doesn't work? Then it's broken.|
|Q. I don't have a Powerband. Am I pathetic waste of space?|
|A. Well, depends, sort of, but...yes. Yes, you are.|
History of the Powerband
Dr Vangina Rusty's first commercial Powerband.
Now housed in the Smithsonian, and recognised for it's innovational qualities for the period, it was however considered 'vulgar, unneccessary, and upsetting of one's sensibilities' at the time.
|Powerbands were invented back in 1880, not long after the invention of the 2-stroke engine itself. Dr Vangina Rusty, a mid-wife and part-time inventor saw the need to optimise the 2 stroke engine system after being repeatedly overtaken by the "newfangled trolley" buses. Here is an extract from "Powerbands Through The Ages And 11 Carrot Recipes" where Dr Rusty explains her inspiration;|
"I was unsuccesfully attempting to overtake one of the "newfangled trolley" buses, when I saw a small boy smirking in a mocking fashion, and then pointing below to an advertisement on the side of the bus. As I recall, it was for Ginster's Cocaine, and how Ginster's Cocaine could help you "Speed happily through life! With little or no regard for others! Feel better than everyone around you! Try some today!". At that very juncture it dawned on me and suddenly became clear. I knew what I had to do. And doing that was inventin something, some..thing... that when bolted to a 2 stroke engine, would somehow make it go much, much faster. Yes. Much faster. I rushed home as fast as I dared rush, ripped the chalk and slates from my children's surprised and bloodied hands, and began to formulate my momemtous ideas. I would have finished it there and then, but I had to go out again as we needed milk."
After many months, if not even more weeks, of broken prototypes, failed fine tunings, as well as bringing small humans into the world from their host's wombs, Dr Rusty finally released "The Mysterious Mechanical Black Band Of Exponential Power For Automotive Vehicles" into the market, for the price of £19/9s/9d. The name eventually morphed into what we know today as 'The Powerband'. The 'Any Colour You Like So Long As It's Black!' tag line for marketing the Band was previously borrowed by Henry Ford's PR Department.
Sadly, Dr Rusty never got to see how far reaching her invention would become, as she was killed a few years later crossing the road, ironically by a Velocette that had a Powerband fitted. Even more ironically, the rider was a future version of herself trying to warn her that she would be killed crossing the road by her future self on a Velocette with a Powerband fitted.
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